My Diabolical Plan to Take Over the World... With Games

(a Toastmasters speech)

“Fellow Toastmasters and honored guests...

I have an announcement to make.

For centuries, people have tried to take over the world.

Alexander the Great tried armies.

Attila the Hun tried conquest.

Supervillains prefer death rays, secret volcano lairs, and man-eating sharks with lasers.

All of them.. Amateurs.

Pause.]

I have developed something far more insidious.

Something practically impossible to stop.

I am going to take over the world... with games.

[Pause. Look around suspiciously.]

And tonight, because I trust all of you implicitly...

I'm going to reveal my entire diabolical plan.

\[Beat.]

Which, now that I say it out loud... may be the first flaw in the plan.

Phase One: THE WEAPON

Every great conspiracy needs an artifact.

The One Ring.

The Holy Grail.

The Infinity Stones.

I have...

[Hold it up.]

A Fiddlestick.

[Let them look at it.]

I can see you're terrified.

Now, it may look like an ordinary popsicle stick.

That's intentional.

I'm going for subtle.

The first step in my plan is simple:

Get your own Fiddlestick.

Once you have one...

you're in my web.

Because this isn't merely a stick.

That little dot tells you there's a game afoot.

And it gives you...

a clue.

Now, what do human beings do when somebody gives us a mysterious clue?

We could ignore it.

We should ignore it.

Every horror movie ever made tells us:

"DO NOT INVESTIGATE THE MYSTERIOUS CLUE."

And yet... we investigate.

Phase Two: THE QUEST

The clue leads you to a website.

And now...

I've got you.

Because you're curious.

You poke around.

You investigate.

And eventually you discover...

[Large dramatic gesture.]

The Intergalactic Space Monkey Brigade Outpost Map.

YES!

I spent considerable time developing a plan for world domination...

and somehow...Space Monkeys became involved.

Scattered across this map are participating outposts.

Bars.

Restaurants.

Clubhouses.

Any game-friendly place where unsuspecting citizens gather for food, drinks, and conversation.

You used to call them "local businesses."

I call them outposts.

See how much more sinister that sounds?

Your instructions are simple:

Find an outpost.

Go there.

And partake in their offerings.

That's right.

My plan for global domination requires you to...

go out and have a nice meal.

[Pause.]

Diabolical.

Phase Three: THE INSIDERS

This is where my network of highly trained operatives comes in.

You may know them by their cover identities:

bartenders, servers, and hosts.

You approach.

You order something.

You enjoy yourself.

Everything appears perfectly normal.

And then... you show them your Fiddlestick.

[Pause.]

I realize that's a sentence that could sound deeply concerning without context.

Fortunately... you now have context.

The bartender recognizes it.

They disappear.

And moments later, they return carrying...

Not a secret dossier.

Not the launch codes.

Not even a shark-mounted laser.

They provide you...

A game.

A game for you and your friends to play right there at the table.

And then... something truly terrible happens.

[Pause.]

People start playing together.

Phones get put down.

People lean in.

Someone reads the rules.

Someone else pretends they already knows the rules.

Five minutes later:

"WAIT! You can't do that!"

"I absolutely can."

"Where does it say that?"

"Right here!"

"That's not what that means!"

[Look knowingly at audience.]

And that... is when civilization begins to crumble.

[Longer pause.]

Or... maybe... **that's when we start rebuilding it.

THE REAL PLAN

Because underneath this ridiculous scheme is an experiment.

Games give us an excuse to sit across from one another.

They give strangers something to talk about.

They give friends a reason to stay for another round.

We get to compete... without becoming enemies.

Relationships can strengthen.

We can collaborate... without holding a meeting.

We can solve problems... without opening a spreadsheet.

And laugh together... without scheduling a team-building exercise.

[Pause.]

Think about what happens around a game table.

For a little while, your job title doesn't particularly matter.

Nobody cares what kind of car you drove there.

Nobody asks how many followers you have.

There are much more important questions:

Like..

Whose turn is it?

What are you going to do?

And most importantly...

"Are you seriously going to do THAT to me after I helped you three turns ago?!"

Those tiny moments create something surprisingly difficult to manufacture.

Connection.

‍ ‍

The Final Phase: THE INVASION

And that is how my evil plan spreads.

One person gets a Fiddlestick.

They follow the clue.

They find an outpost.

They visit.

They support the business.

They produce the Fiddlestick.

A game appears.

They play.

They laugh.

Maybe they stay a little longer.

Maybe they order another round.

And eventually... someone at the next table looks over and asks:

"Hey... what are you playing?"

[Pause. Slowly smile.]

And just like that...

I've got them too.

One table becomes two.

Two becomes four.

One outpost becomes another.

Local businesses discover new customers.

The businesses win.

Players discover new games.

The players win.

Game makers discover new players.

They win.

And people discover something even better:

each other.

Until eventually my network stretches across the city...

the country...

the planet.

And one fateful morning, humanity will wake up and realize...

[Villain pose.]

I HAVE WON!

I have conquered the world!

Not with armies.

Not with politics.

Not even with sharks equipped with death-ray lasers.

But with millions of people sitting around tables...

eating...

drinking...

laughing...

arguing over the rules...

and saying the most dangerous words in the English language:

[Pause.]

"Okay... one more game."

THAT... is my diabolical plan to take over the world.

So someday, if someone hands you a Fiddlestick...

be careful.

Follow the clue.

Find an outpost.

Show it to the staff.

And whatever happens next...

Play along.

Because maybe world domination isn't nearly as difficult as everyone makes it out to be.

Maybe you don't need an army.

Maybe you don't need a death ray.

Maybe... you just need to give people a reason...

to come to the table.

[Hold up Fiddlestick.]

With a little curiosity.

A good game board.

Some sticks.

Some stones.

And someone across the table to play with.

World domination can take it from there.

Thank you.