The Kings of Baboonilonyon
Greetings, Space Monkey Cadets.
'El Capitano' has returned from an extensive strategic planning conference with the Witch Doctor, and after several hours of careful consideration, questionable science, and at least one wrong turn through Doorway Number Three, we have a new mission.
As some of you may recall, everyone who selected Doorway Number Three was automatically volunteered for an assignment involving travel into the future.
Not actual time travel, of course.
The budget committee rejected that proposal.
Again.
So the question became:
How can we play a joke on people who haven't been born yet?
Fortunately, the Witch Doctor had one of his rare moments of accidental genius.
Here's the diabolical plan.
Each of you will take your sacred Fiddlestick and permanently inscribe upon it two pieces of critical information:
Your FIRST NAME
Your FAVORITE PLANET
Use a permanent marker if you wish.
Or a wood burner.
Or a laser engraving machine.
Or, if you're truly committed to the cause, have it tattooed onto the Fiddlestick by a licensed professional Fiddlestick Tattoo Artist.
Then we shall gather all of these treasured artifacts and seal them inside one of my Time Capsules.
The capsule will be buried deep beneath the desert sand.
There it shall remain, untouched and forgotten, for a thousand years.
Maybe longer.
Possibly until the Earth is covered by glaciers.
Or deserts.
Or glaciers made of desert.
Future scientists can figure that out.
Now imagine, if you will, the scene.
It's the year 3026.
An advanced AI Archaeological Recovery Unit is leading an excavation.
Following behind it is its emotional support human, wearing a leashed collar and carrying snacks.
Suddenly, the robot's scanners detect an anomaly.
Ancient civilization.
Lost technology.
A mysterious container of unknown origin.
The discovery makes headlines throughout the Solar System.
Researchers arrive from Mars.
Professors arrive from Europa.
Influencers arrive from Alpha Centauri.
A documentary crew immediately begins filming dramatic slow-motion footage.
The capsule is carefully transported to the Grand Intergalactic Metropolitan Museum of Civilization and Moderately Interesting Objects.
A crowd gathers.
News drones hover overhead.
A ceremonial ribbon is stretched across the entrance.
A famous celebrity historian clears their throat and prepares to reveal the contents.
The atmosphere is electric.
What priceless relics from a forgotten culture await inside?
What hidden wisdom did the ancients preserve?
What secrets do these mysterious humans have to share with the future?
The capsule opens.
Inside they discover:
A pattern-covered game board.
A handful of sticks.
Some stones.
And a collection of Fiddlesticks bearing cryptic inscriptions such as:
"Steve - Neptune"
"Karen - Saturn"
"Leo - Earth"
For decades, scholars debate their meaning.
Entire university departments dedicate their careers to the mystery.
Thousands of doctoral dissertations are published.
A best-selling book proposes that "Favorite Planet" was actually an ancient system of nobility.
Another theory claims the Fiddlesticks were royal scepters.
Yet another suggests they were sacred communication devices used to contact celestial deities.
Someone inevitably starts a religion.
Then comes the official announcement.
Standing before millions of viewers across the galaxy, the museum director proclaims:
"These artifacts prove beyond question that the legendary Pharaoh Kings Freddie Mercury, Bruno Mars, and Amos Uranus ruled the Kingdom of Baboonilonyon during the Early Recreational Age."
The audience erupts in applause.
Children are taught this in school.
Monuments are erected.
Songs are written.
Historical dramas are produced.
At no point does anyone consider that a bunch of Space Monkey Cadets were simply amusing themselves with sticks and stones.
And that, my fellow cadets, is the beauty of the plan.
One thousand years from now, complete strangers may spend entire careers trying to understand our civilization.
And all they will really learn is that some humans once figured out you don't need batteries, Wi-Fi, microchips, subscriptions, passwords, updates, charging cables, or technical support to have fun. All you really need is..
Just a pattern.
Some sticks.
Some stones.
And one very good inside joke!